i am coming undone. i am already undone. unglued. unstuck. all i want is death. i am trying to be sane and normal for the protection of the rest of the human population but it is not what i feel. i cannot come up with any concrete reason to keep living. i am tired of hearing "it will get better" and "you can be happy" because that has no meaning to me. what is "happy"? i have never been happy. ever. i doubt that i can ever be happy. and "better". what is that? a temporary condition that just makes the subsequent fall more painful.

i am tired of being told that everything i think and feel and want is wrong. i am tired of being told that it's only been a month how can i expect things to be better after only a month. but it hasn't been a month. it has been over a year since i left home. and yes there is supposedly some sort of finality to my leaving this time, but there is never a "for good". the abuse was supposed to be over "for good" when i left in november 98. but it wasn't. maybe it never will be.

i don't want this life anymore. i don't value it anywhere near enough to fight for it. to try to make it better. i am not interested in doing the work. i don't want better. i want not at all.

all i want is death.

snacks: peanut butter and jelly, english muffin, jellybeans
noise: tori amos, talula pt 2 uk single
paper: a room of one's own, virginia woolf


terribly adorable pictures of the new baby (now with even more terribly adorable pix!)

(and thanks to skorch for the cool background)