d and i went out this evening, with no real direction, and ended up at the local park/woods/whatever. we followed the trail to this beautiful place with a rock overhang, overlooking the meadows and way in the distance, the connecticut river. we sat down and built a small campfire. we were just hanging out talking, when a boy came up the trail. he sat down, and d and boy got to talking, and he built our fire bigger, and we all sat together for a couple of hours talking and stuff. well, mostly they talked and i just watched.

it's embarrassing being so shy. but i can't help it. i don't know how to be any other way.

boys are scary, anyway. it's just the way life is. he seemed to be a very nice boy, but we didn't want him there and he wouldn't leave. d and i were all set to hang out and talk and leave in our own time, not with some boy. bleh.

(my mother called at eight. i forgot that she was going to. oops. oh well. my heart breaks.)

after we and the boy went our seperate directions, having walked down a dark path together, which was more than a little uncomfortable, d and i went to cvs. i bought more hair dye. just what i didn't really need. but i'm going to be a redhead tomorrow. yay. i bought jellybeans, too. yum. i love easter candy.

. . . .

i got triggered in a major way the other night. i don't know why it happened, i just know it did, and i have spent the past two days with no sleep, alternately having flashbacks and clutching a bottle of pills, desperately wanting to swallow them. n and i talked about it last night and i guess it's not so bad but it's still bad and i still want out. but i'm not allowed out. i'm not allowed out.

i have no way to make the pain go away. i need it to stop but it never stops and i am helpless. i am tired of being a puppet i am tired of being at the whim of everyone else. i am the one in control of my life. i can choose to live or i can choose to die, and in the end it is MY decision and not anyone else's. no one else is to blame for it. it is MY LIFE. but n puts all the power in my father's hands and it infuriates me.

i feel worthless. i do not even have the worth to be in control of my own life.


"i'll try to scream in pain a little nicer next time"
bikini kill

snacks: mcdonalds, peeps, cooler ranch doritos
noise: the oscars
paper: a room of one's own, virginia woolfe


terribly adorable pictures of the new baby (now with even more terribly adorable pix!)

my tori sTori


[my baby skorchie]

(and thanks to skorch for the cool background)