i can't sleep. i can never sleep. i think i must be a vampire. or i live in the wrong time zone. i'm sure it has nothing to do with insomnia or depression or fear of vulnerability. no, nothing like that. i am tired of the nightmares. i am so tired. i am tired of waking, every muscle strained, sick and shaking, with no memory of the terrors which torment me. every. single. night. i don't want to know, but at the same time, if i knew, i could find a way to deal with them, and hopefully make them go away, or at least be less vivid and terrifying. or at least that's what n says, and he's had plenty of experience with nightmares, so i guess he would know.

i can never sleep until daylight comes, anymore. it's partly bad habit, and partly fear. if i got a job and had to get up in the morning, it would be hard, but i'd probably be able to manage. i managed in school, and i managed it for the summer i did have a job and had to be at work at 8 am. it wasn't fun, but i can do it. i hope i can find a second shift job somewhere. i really hope it. else i might be in big trouble.

(my kitty, on the other hand, has no trouble sleeping. he is fast asleep and dreaming right now, twitching and making little sucking sounds in his sleep. he is absolutely adorable. i want to reach over and pet him, but it would wake him up and then he'd whine at me and make me feel bad.)

. . . .

i actually did something productive today. i opened a checking account of my very own. i have a checking account at school that i never actually got checks for, but my mother is co-signed on it, and actually supplied most of the money to it. she won't do that anymore because i'm a traitor to the family and if i want to be independent then i have to do it on my own. what a crock. anyway, i have a checking account, and i got fifty free checks and an atm/mastercard (well, i will have them in seven to ten days). i got to pick my own pin number which was rather exciting. i hope i don't forget it. then i'd feel really silly.

d went with me, but really it was a lot easier than i thought it would be. i just had to answer questions and show them my driver's license. no problem at all. i feel like a grown up or something. now all i need is a job to actually supply money to that account. technicalities.

. . . .

i am very very restless right now. fight the fear. fear the fight. conquer the need to run home to daddy to counteract the numbness. i do not need to have feeling beaten into me, i do not need to have it raped into me. i do not need to be hurt in order to feel real. i do not need a razor blade to feel real. but i don't feel real. i feel disembodied. i feel floating in some horrible storm somewhere. i feel a lack of gravity. i feel like a puppet who has lost her strings.


"women shouldn't deny their dark side. sometimes those demons are frightening and sometimes they're beautiful. you'll have to approach them. drink a glass of wine with them, take them for a walk on the beach, examine yourself"
tori amos

snacks: chicken patty with cheese, blue peeps, chocolate chip cookies and milk
noise: ani difranco, to the teeth
paper: a room of one's own, virginia woolfe


terribly adorable pictures of the new baby (now with even more terribly adorable pix!)

my tori sTori


[my baby skorchie]

(and thanks to skorch for the cool background)