two people at the garage are struggling with questions of past abuse. they're not sure if anything happened, but suspect it may have. repressed memories are rough, especially when they start not being repressed anymore, and they come pouring down on you like a tidal wave and you have to hold your breath while they tumble you over and over against the bottom. and then pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and find a way to go on. god knows even though i never lost the memory of abuse (well, for more than a couple months at a time, because it always was forced back into my consiousness by my father yet again), i have lost much of it. it comes back at times. bits. pieces. it's horrid.

but one of those girls struggling now is a friend of mine, and she feels bad for being so upset and fears crying wolf when she doesn't know for sure that anything happened, because she knows that really bad stuff happened to me and to other people. and i feel guilty for her feeling that way, though there is no logic behind it. i don't want to make a big deal out of what happened to me. i know i try to minimize it as much as humanly possible. n is supposedly writing a post about some of the things that i went through to post without people knowing it's talking about me (er, unless they read this) so he can prove to me that "it was that bad". but he won't let me read it. (which is a different issue altogether).

i'm afraid of abuse dicksizing. "your pain isn't valid because your abuse wasn't as bad as mine". because i don't feel that at all. people who have never been abused at all can have a tremendous amount of pain. i totally know that. but i am afraid that they don't feel that way.

pain is pain is pain. and everybody has to deal with it.

i wish i weren't broke and poor and that i could afford to get my own domain name and get hosted somewhere that is not free and did not have pop-up ads or banners. i am appreiciative that tripod exists, or this webpage would not exist, but i am ready to move on to bigger and better. unfortunately, i can't afford to. i've been researching webhosting services the past couple of days, drooling over the 30 mb of space, thoughts of how many pictures i could put up dancing through my head.

if i just got a job i could pay for it. ten bucks a month plus the money to register the domain name. that's it. i could swing that. just not right now. i have food to think about and vet bills and new windshield wiper blades for my car and my huge phone bill which will be coming soon. eek.

in exciting kitten news: skorchie stole a tater tot from my plate (okay, technically he didn't steal it. he licked it and so i put it in his dish, because i certainly wasn't going to eat it). i thought he would just lick the ketchup off it (for some reason, he really likes ketchup) but he ate the whole thing. i was so surprised. what a strange little kitty.

"i can't be held responsible
cause she was touching her face
i won't be held responsible
she fell in love in the first place"
verve pipe

snacks: turkey, ham, and american cheese sandwich, tatertots
noise: none
paper: a room of one's own, virginia woolfe


terribly adorable pictures of the new baby (now with even more terribly adorable pix!)

(and thanks to skorch for the cool background)