the first is my classes for next semester. my last semester of college. i have one requirement left, and that is a pre-1800s english class. that was the easy part. the real problem comes in finding electives to fill the other 12 credits worth of classes i need to graduate. i have it all figured out except for one class. chaucer, creative writing: poetry, women's studies, intro to computer science, riding, and either human sexuality or women in antiquity. if i take the human sexuality class, i'm afraid of being triggered. it also would mean i would be in class from 2-6:15 on tuesdays and thursdays, and four straight hours is a long time to be in class. the women in antiquity class would probably be less interesting, but it would give me a break in the afternoon. i think i'm going to take the sexuality class. at least that was what i emailed to my advisor.

it is kind of scary to be thinking about my last semester of college. and then i will be faced with the real world, head on, with nowhere to hide. although, there is always grad school.

my second great debate has to do with my sister. i have been feeling really excluded lately from my usual online sanctuary, asd. so i had thought about posting to the bbs at kip's garage. i've been lurking there off-and-on for awhile, but never feeling the need to try to find a niche in a new place. i was finally thinking about posting, when i read a post by a person who sounded very familiar, and upon closer inspection turned out to be my sister.

i feel like an evesdropper seeing her there and reading her posts. i feel like an intruder into her space. there is no reason that she would know it was me if i posted. she doesn't know my nickname, she doesn't know my email address. but she could conceivably recognize me and find out all about me. i think it would be very traumatic for her to find out online. but i don't have the courage to talk to her about it myself yet.

i've since posted a few replies to people, but not my own story, which is what i am feeling a very strong urge to do. i am feeling a need to talk and be heard, to interact. to be recognized and comforted. i am not getting that in asd right now. i am not able to meet my needs there, so i need to find another way, another place, in which to do so. i need to take care of myself. but i need to give my sister a way to take care of herself, too, and i am afraid to scare her off.

i'm really not sure what to do.

"we are screaming inside oh but we can't be heard"
sarah mclachlan

snacks: macaroni and cheese spirals
noise: the case of the hillside stranglers, starring billy zane
paper: a room of one's own, virginia woolfe


terribly adorable pictures of the new baby (now with even more terribly adorable pix!)

(and thanks to skorch for the cool background)