i want to scream help me help me damnit but i know there is no use. you can't help me. nobody who i can realistically talk to can help me. and talk just makes things worse. secrets got told last weekend and those secrets kept hidden deep and dark have tossed me headfirst into chaos that i can't begin to deal with. talk just makes things worse. i don't want to talk anymore.

i need help. i don't know what to do. but there is no one but n and the vapid space of the internet to talk to.

i am not waving, i'm drowning.

get a therapist, right? but that's not possible. not for me. not through the shyness and the fear and the terror that comes from telling secrets. my parents would find out-- there is no way i can afford it without their insurance. and i do not have the courage. not even to go in and sit and tell the things i have written. because i cannot speak. because he stole my voice.

i am screaming into this void that i have created, the vacuum within my self-built walls. a kitten on my leg looking up at me with curious eyes at my tears. he cannot even save me. there is nothing left. there is nothing worth fighting for.

i'm twenty-one years old and a child. i cannot save myself and no one else can save me. no one else will take control of this life and make it better. get it help.

i can't do this alone and while i have a dozen people who would write me and say "you're not alone," in truth i really am.

i am beyond tired. i am drained. i am dead inside. i have no will to live. i can't sleep at night, i can hardly eat. what is left? what is left.



"i hurt myself today to see if i still feel"
nine inch nails

[me and sam]
(and thanks to skorch for the cool background)