it thunderstormed tonight and i went outside and sat and left my mind for a little while and lived in my body. my body as it is now. sensory. a body curled with knees to chest and head resting on crossed arms embracing knees. marchninthchilled bare toes and the feel of the quilt pulled tight around me like another skin. i felt the fabric against my face. i felt rain blown by the breeze hit my face with chill surprise and i flinched unintentionally and repeatedly. i heard the sound of the rain on the building and the grass and the trees, and the water rushing in the gutter. i smelled the wetness and the coolness, the freshness of the air with the scent of spring and electricity.

i watched the lightening bring daylight for moments below thick gray clouds. sometimes vivid bolts behind the winter skeletons of trees, other times lighting the clouds from inside. i had the squit to see as the sky flashed.

i listened to the thunder, counting one-mississippi two-mississippi like a child to estimate the distance, but unable to remember how many mississippis there are to a mile. i didn't flinch at the thunder as felt it tremble through my blood.

i felt the urge to run and hide and the urge to run barefoot in the wet grass screaming in madness, face to the sky.

i tucked myself a little more surely into my body and closed my eyes and felt the breeze and the mist on my face and stayed where i was.

until the lightening ceased and the thunder faded. and then i returned to my chaos, thankful for the respite.

. . . .

i made a deposit on a kitten so i am assured of getting one tomorrow. someone else had made a deposit on the other one by the time i got there. it is good i went tonight and did not wait until tomorrow. i am vibrating with anticipation. i bought a litterpan and litter and a pooperscooper, dishes and a placemat for messy babykitty. cat toys. i will get food tomorrow, whatever food kitty is already eating. less than eleven hours. i am counting down.


"somewhere i know she knows some things only she knows"
tori amos

snacks: curly fries, carnation instant breakfast
noise: beck, odelay
paper: push, sapphire

the american society for the prevention of cruelty to animals website

[me and sam]

(and thanks to skorch for the cool background)