and i had enough sense to send those things i wrote to appropriate places. i didn't do anything crazy like write an email to my parents.

i got drunk on purpose though. i didn't drink that much, but i drank it fast. and for the first time i actually felt it. yep, i really felt it. toasted. not throwing up into my hair (well, i don't have enough hair to do that, but you know what i mean) drunk, but word-slurring, running into things drunk. although i run into walls when i'm sober, too. so i don't know.

anyway, i was lucky in that i didn't have a hangover from it the next morning. at all. at the time i was drinking and drunk, i hoped i would have a hangover so that i would have something other than my problems to worry about. i spent the day crying anyway. the flashbacks get to be too much sometimes.

today wasn't much better. things happened and i fell apart. i am not a china doll and i get tired of being treated like one by n. i know he has the best of intentions, but i can't deal with him treating me like that. he keeps telling d what she can and cannot talk to me about. i'm a big girl. i'm not going to break. i've made it through hell without him padding my walls, i don't need his help now. i don't need anybody's help.

how is that for bravado?

i'm trying, really. i don't want to be taken care of. i don't want to be a burden. i am terrified of d finding out too much about me and not liking me anymore. she says that won't happen, but i am slow to trust and believe. i know that she doesn't think it will happen, but maybe it still will.

i wonder if i told one of my friends about my dad once before and was abandoned for it. because i am terrified of that. i have been for as long as i can remember. or maybe that was just built into me by my parents. anything is possible.